2. From the merrow 7th Sept, 2009 A few months ago my bone marrow started sending me messages. The signals: I was always exhausted, pale, drained, and completely depleted of red blood cells. The lack of oxygen made me a serial yawner and spacier than a displaced Czarina. Little did I know, but my hemoglobin had fallen to levels where even a dedicated Blood sucker would turn their thoughts to revival. In between work and travel in India this year, I got a routine blood test and the results sent me to the hospital for a blood transfusion. But not a reason to stop and, like, change my life? The attempt to communicate probably started earlier. Time when I was ‘busy’. Building a career and impersonating myself. Travelling a lot and stock-piling impressions and drama and super hyped destinations and a life in ‘art’. So I couldn’t hear my marrow gently carbonating. Trying to get my attention. Instead of tuning in to my body, I tuned out like a landlocked pirate tuning out the sounds of the sea. 从骨髓开始 几个月前,我的骨髓开始传递信息给我。 信号:我总是觉得精疲力尽,面色苍白,精力透支,而且红细胞计数几乎为0. 缺氧让我有持续的乏力和昏昏沉沉的感觉,更甚于一个被流放的沙皇皇后(Lisa文笔不错,用了这样的一个比较)。我不知道为什么会这样,但是我的血红蛋白数量水平已经少得到了某种尽忠职守的吸血生物都要掉头离开的程度。今年在印度辗转的工作和旅行间,我进行了常规的抽血化验,结果是让我去医院输血。 但这是不是一个让我停下来,比如,去改变一下我的生活的理由? 进行充分沟通的尝试其实早就开始了。在我还很“忙碌”的时候就开始了。为了发展自己的事业(后面那个Impersonate是在是翻译不好)。繁忙的旅行,以及满满当当的沉静在“艺术”中的生活,让我无暇顾及正在碳酸化的骨髓。 它正以此来争取我的关注。我本应该开始正视我的身体,然而,我却对它不理不睬,就像一个呆在内陆上的海盗,完全听不到大海的声音。
And then I stopped travelling and returned to Canada. Got myself tested by Dr Susy Lin, landed in emergency and eventually got full membership into the Cancer Club. That’s how I found out I have Multiple Myeloma. Cancer Club, Multiple Myeloma Division, June 2009. aka The Yellow Diaries
LIVESHOCK: the recurring shock of being alive. More on this later. Don’t get me wrong. Its true the deepest crises are moments of great opportunity. An event that shocks you into seeing with heart. A place from which to combine survival and celebration. Our boy Lance Armstrong called his Cancer survivor story: a Journey Back to Life. 生命冲击:不断感受到对于我还活着的震惊。在之后会有更多叙述。 别误会我。最深重的危机真的会带来绝佳的机会。经受这样的撞击,会让你用内心去审度世事。这也是一处融合了幸存与庆贺的生命图景。我们的兰斯 阿姆斯特朗把他的癌症幸存者故事称作:回归生命之旅。
Gently Carbonating Sept 8th I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma on June 23rd. Started my first cycle of treatment July 2nd. Not long ago. For me, it was a relief to hear what was wrong. The plasma cells in my bone marrow were rampaging, multiplying, squeezing out the red blood cells and it was time to begin doing something about it. I was also tired of being tired all the time. And you just know when something is not kosher with your body. So when I sat there with Bobcat- my life partner and reservoir of Yellow- and got the news I didn’t react and I didn’t cry. I’m an actress, believe me, I can be dramatic. Not just then though. 渐进的碳酸化 我是6月23日确诊患有MM的。从7月2日,第一轮治疗开始了。并不是太久之前。 于我而言,知道我的身体到底出了什么问题,心里的石头就落下了。在我骨髓中的血浆细胞横冲直撞,恣意生长,把血红细胞都挤走了。已经是时候进行治疗了。我也厌倦了持续的疲惫感。而且当身体感觉到不对劲的时候,其实自己是很清楚的。所以我得知确诊结果时候,是与Bobcat - 我生活的伴侣以及能量的源泉- 一起坐着。但我没有做出任何反应,我也没有哭。我是一名演员,请相信我,我可以表现得十分戏剧化,而且不仅仅是在那个时候。
First the facts. Myeloma is incurable. It’s a relatively rare cancer of the bone marrow that affects about 6000 Canadians. Every year, approximately 2100 more cases are diagnosed. I’m a junior Member in many ways, having been diagnosed at 37, while the average age is 65. Makes the disease not quite as ‘Sexy’ as other Cancers. But we can change that. In the industry I’m in, you could say, its motive alone that gives character to your acting. So today with Velcade and, Revlimid and other promising new treatments in the pipeline our survival rates are improving. But only with an ever expanding toolbox of treatments and awareness can this Cancer be beat. So I’m going to do everything I can to wrench the spotlight onto Myeloma and Cancer Awareness. I believe it can be cured. That’s the Dirty Realist in me. 首先,先陈述些实事。MM是不可治愈的。这是一种相对罕见的骨髓癌症,现有6000名加拿大人患有这样的疾病。每年,大约有2100个新增病例。 在很多方面,我现在只是个新手。我37岁确诊,而平均确诊年龄是65岁。这使得这种癌症并不像其他癌症那样“引人注目”。但是我们可以改变它。 在我所在的演艺界中,可以说,只有电影能使你把角色放入到自己的表演中。 所以今天,有了Velcade 和Revlimid以及其他一些在研制中的颇具前景的新型治疗方式,我们的存活几率一直在提高。但是,只有治疗手段不断增加,疾病意识不断提高的情况下,这种癌症才能被攻克。所以,我将会尽一切所能,将聚光灯转向MM和癌症意识方面。 我坚信它是可以治愈的。 这是一个令人生厌的现实主义者,在我的身体里住着。 Lisa 提到的两种现在主流的MM治疗药物。 V属于蛋白酶抑制剂类药物,通过静脉注射或皮下注射,在体内杀死迅速分裂的癌细胞。R属于免疫调节剂类药物,口服。
Back to Life on Roids. The wetsuit. It’s an entirely unique experience. When I’m on steroids, I can feel my skin stretch and expand and move in ways and sensations I haven’t felt before. It can be fascinating (for some like myself) to meditate on the pathways of your organism. I bloat up to three times my normal ’size’. It’s like putting on a wetsuit. Except its kinda permanent. Until you stop taking the roids. Then I deflate again. Now all this time, I understand that the meds are doing their work. Swimmingly. I can feel it. Bobcat named it. We call it ‘Gently Carbonating’. It means the plasma in my bone marrow is getting beaten back. And its all good. Sometimes it feels like I’m wearing vibrating mitts. Or those thick Nova Scotia artisanal socks. Full of fleas. I’m getting better. My prognosis, given my ‘Junior’ status and stage of disease, is very good. I’m aiming for Full Remission- and with Dr Galal and Velcade as my co-conspirators- this mission is in the bag. That’s my claim and I’m plowing it into the mountaintop. Though I’m not sure why I keep mixing up ‘Remission’ with ‘Transmission’ and ‘Transgression’- maybe that will get clearer down the line.